From Guilt and Shame to Hope and Inspiration: A Personal Journey

Birth was not easy. I thought that I was taking up too much space. I needed to get out so my brother had room. We were so close that it was uncomfortable to stay there any longer. I was born and four minutes later my brother followed me. We came into the world as twins. My life started out feeling that I was taking up too much space and guilt. How could a baby have those thoughts? How could you come into the world feeling inadequate and guilty? These thoughts began my journey in life. Here is my story: from guilt to shame to hope and ultimately inspiration.

I was brought up in a house with a mother who was consumed with herself. She was entertaining, charming, loving, and scary. She had a temper that was fierce and out of control. She took it out on the three of us; my older sister, twin brother, and me. I loved her, adored her, and was terrified of her all at the same time. When she had those raging moments we were her target. She beat us with a wooden spoon on our bare bottoms.

Most mothers that I knew spanked their children—that seemed to be the norm for disciplining children. However, spanking left its mark on me for many years to come with feelings of shame and deep inadequacy. When she raged, she yelled a lot of the time. Terror reigned in our house. We lived that way for many years. While I hated her for her raging, I was mesmerized by her charm, wit, and very charismatic personality. I learned to feel comfortable with this mixed message.

My Dad was a source of comfort since he loved me unconditionally and was very sweet. My sister adapted by becoming a socialite and surrounding herself with an entourage of friends. She had it all figured out at a young age and was not about to let anyone or anything get in her way. My brother felt my mother’s rage deeply and adapted by saying yes to everything and then doing what he wanted to do. I adapted by becoming a pleaser so I would not have to confront her rage. My rebellion came later.

When I was twelve, my Dad came home one day and told us that our mother was sick and would be going to the hospital. We all cried and wanted to know if she would be ok. My Dad said she would be fine but would be in the hospital for awhile. On some level I knew that she would not live regardless of what my Dad said. For three months she was very sick and in and out of the hospital.

One day she came home with bag hanging off her stomach. I found out that was where she went to the bathroom. I was horrified to see my Mother who was young, vital and full of life be diminished to a bed with a bag hanging off her stomach. There were days she would sit and cry that she wanted to die. My sister and I never knew what to do but we tried to comfort her. That was not enough to make her pain go away.

Eventually my Dad came home and told us our Mother died. We all sat with him and bawled in his arms. We had no idea how our lives would be changed forever. My Dad was deeply distraught since the wife that he loved and adored had died and left him with three very distraught kids. It was a mess. For days I would watch TV for hours at a time to take my mind off my problems. That first year was incredibly difficult because I could not relate to anyone in my life. All my girlfriends had nice mothers who were living. I had a mother with a narcissistic personality who raged at us and then died just when I was becoming a woman myself.

The sadness slipped deep into my being. A year later my Dad remarried to a very nice lady but it was very difficult to even think of replacing my mother. He wanted us to call her Mom. We agreed but felt a lot of resentment for her taking our mother’s place and did not feel safe to converse about her anymore. My Mother became our secret. Needless to say I was one confused little thirteen year old! I liked my new Mom and hated her at the same time. How could that be?

We moved that year to a new house that was ten miles down the road. This added more stress to our already tumultuous lives. I had a very difficult time coping with my emotions. We were all bused to a school that was across town. I met a girl who lived down the street from me named Debbie. She and I became fast friends. She was a year younger with a very cool Mom who let her do anything she wanted. I was barely allowed friends over and they never wanted to come over anyway. There were so many new rules in our home that I did everything to get away. Debbie was fun, charming, and edgy enough to explore her boundaries while pulling me along for the ride. I agreed.

The summer after a long difficult year at the new school and living in our new home became a time of total rebellion. I was sad, lonely, and desperate for friendship and love. Debbie became my source of all of that. She had the coolest clothes, music, food, and a mother who let her have free reign. That summer was about freedom. Debbie and I started hitchhiking every day to the other side of town where our school was located. We spent that whole summer hitchhiking, drinking, trying every drug out there, and hanging out with boys who were older than us. I must have had angels around me because we never got into serious trouble or got hurt in any way.

The summer ended and I was off to High School, ready for a change. I decided it was time to make new friends and let go of all those self-destructive friendships. I made friends with a girl named Carol and I adored her. She had the best family in the world and I became almost adopted by them so I could avoid my own family. During those years I decided to take up ballet because I wanted to get into shape. I loved and hated it. I loved how I felt afterwards and hated the work.

It was so hard for me. I also took up yoga and loved the philosophy and all the posture work. All these classes became a way to hide from my problems. I went into class and forgot all about my worries. It was my form of therapy.

I stuck with dance and majored in it in college. This led me to New York where I met a man who was eighteen years older than me. I was clearly trying to replace my mother. He had the same tendencies to express rage and be very charming at the same time. I married him and we had many problems. One day while I was teaching fitness classes I had the idea to look into the fitness magazine that was sitting on the table. I saw an ad from the Golden Door Health Spa in California accepting applications for Fitness and Dance instructors. I immediately contacted them and sent my resume. They liked it and requested that I come to Escondido, California for an interview. I was having so many problems with my husband that I said yes. I told my husband that I was leaving for a temporary period of time for a trial separation.

The next thing I knew I was on a plane off to the Golden Door Health Spa in Escondido, California. In that moment I knew my life would never be the same. I realized that I was not coming back to New York. I was scared and excited about this life change. Upon arriving and interviewing at the Golden Door, the director suggested I interview at the sister spa, Rancho La Puerta, in Mexico. They arranged for me to go down to Mexico for the interview. Immediately I met with the fitness director who told me she had been praying for a dance teacher. I ended up staying and teaching there for three years. This Health Spa changed my life forever. I hiked and taught classes in Mexico right next to Mount Cuchama which was a sacred site for Indians and their healing rituals.

I started to feel a confidence and connection with myself that I never felt in my life. Meditation became a daily practice along with journaling. I started to find out who I was and what made me happy. I loved hiking and being in the mountains. It was a place of sheer joy. During that time while hiking, I heard a voice inside of me. It was not my voice, but maybe the voice of my spirit guide or guardian angel. This voice told me that I had a hole in my center and I needed to heal it. I asked it what it was and I heard that it was sadness from my mother’s death. This area of my life needed to be healed. I started to work with that place inside of me but did not quite know how to heal it except by acknowledging its existence.

One day while working at the spa I met a woman named Gail who introduced me to a man named Gary. We dated until I had to leave a month later to work on a world cruise. When I met him I heard that voice again in my head, which said, “You will be marrying this man.” I thought to myself …am I crazy? I just met this man. I thought to myself if it is meant to be than it will be. I was away on the cruise teaching for over four months. I received love letters in every port where the ship was docked. I thought to myself that this was the nicest guy, but how do I know if he is my soul mate? I had made so many mistakes in picking men that I did not trust myself. I prayed deeply for an answer.

One night while I was in New Zealand I had a dream. In my dream, Gary led me to my house. I walked into the house and to the back room. My sister and stepmom were crying and I asked why they were crying. They said Daddy died. I woke up from that dream in tears. I immediately walked to the nearest phone booth and called my parents. I asked if Dad was ok. Apparently everything was fine and they both felt good. I got off the phone not knowing what to think about my dream or Gary. I just knew I was crazy about Gary and devastated to think about my Dad dying.

About a month later I was scheduled to get off the ship in Long Beach. Gary came and met me and took me to his cousins’ condo. I immediately called my family to let them know I was off the ship. My stepmom told me to sit down. She proceeded to tell me that my Dad had terminal cancer and had about three months to live. I burst into tears and asked when they found out. She said they found out in March, which was a month after I had that dream.

Gary had planned a hike down the Grand Canyon for a weeks’ vacation. I cut the trip short because I felt I needed to go and be with my Dad. Gary was wonderful and supportive of me doing whatever I needed to do. We left the Grand Canyon early and he got me on a plane to Baltimore. I ended up staying there for six weeks helping my stepmom and Dad. Gary came to meet my Dad during that time. I realized that my prayers were answered through that dream I had on the ship. One man was coming into my life and another man was leaving my life. I had tears for the loss and the blessings.

My Dad died. Gary and I got married that same year. I was devastated by the loss and thrilled to be married to the man of my dreams. The grief lived with me for a year. One night I woke up crying and cried myself back to sleep. I was still devastated by the loss of my Dad. That night I had a dream that I will never forget as long as I live. My Dad and I were walking along a path at the Health Spa where I used to work. He said to me “Laura, I am not dead and I am very much alive. The body is a physical illusion and I am at peace. I love you very much and will be with you whenever you need me.” I woke up from that dream with the most amount of peace I have ever felt in my life.

Since then I have had many dreams of him and my mother. Through much counseling I have healed my relationship with my mother and the emptiness that I felt. She has visited me many times and helped me with some very important life lessons. It is clear to me now I chose this life. I picked these challenges from birth: my parents, family, and friends. Everything was chosen for my spiritual growth in this lifetime. I came into this life with jealousy, resentment, and feeling left out which turned into depression. I have overcome most of these challenges. It seems we are all here for a reason. We are here to bring love and light into the world by utilizing our natural gifts and talents.

I no longer feel jealous since I recognize that I picked these lessons for my soul growth. I receive divine inspiration on a daily basis and feel at peace with the life I have chosen. I am clear that my path is to teach others about our blessings and spiritual existence. We are never alone and if we open up to our spirituality we will see that we have angels helping us on this side and on the other side.

Article by Laura Penn Gallerstein, December 2009